trusting yourself

I've found my calling as an artist, as a photographer.  It's all I want to do for the rest of my life.  I want to find inspiration, to create and to share my vision with the world in order to find connection.  

I have always been an artist, ever since I was young.  But until very recently, I never felt it was a worthwhile pursuit.  My talent wasn't really acknowledged growing up and if it was, I was never really encouraged to pursue an artistic career because my family was very practical and art was somewhat of a fantastical idea rather than a solid plan to build a future on.  But being an artist on the inside and repressing her so hard made life very difficult.  I wasn't "normal"- I couldn't hold down a normal job and felt trapped and miserable in a normal life.  I always felt strange and broken.

My environmental portraiture centers around this life experience.  My fears, dreams, nightmares, anxieties, disappointments are all featured in the works I've created.  Much of my life has been lived with negative/sad/angry/disappointed/fearful emotions swirling around inside me.  Picking up my camera and using my artistic gifts to create works that express what it feels like to live with these feelings of incompleteness and abnormality has offered me an incredible sense of catharsis and relief.
I now acknowledge that I was designed this way for a reason - to experience a normal life abnormally and feel what I've felt to make this work, express myself artistically and emotionally and connect with others who might feel the same way.  I could never render these images if my life had turned out any other way.

To all the loving people who maybe to help or fix my discontent - this is why I resisted!  To the people who have felt like I do (the artists in denial/repression/confusion) - you may feel different, feel crazy, feel like you'll never fit in, but you are not alone!  We are one and I hope my images offer you a sense of connectedness, amidst their landscape of isolation.

Express yo'self!

it's been so long...

Winters in the Northwest are tough for me.  It's soggy and gray and chilly and I spend lots of time indoors, which makes me feel like a trapped animal (in cozy slippers).  When we do get a sun break, I'm out the door as soon as possible.  

I was lucky enough to get out to the forest for an hour or so before it started pouring again last week.  It was quiet and solitary and raindrops adorned plants and trees and spiderwebs everywhere I looked.  The magical thing about the forest is that you don't have to walk more than a few feet, stop, look around, and you'll be transported to a magical world full of tiny wonders.  You can escape from the dreary ordinary world.

This is how I've fallen in love with the magic of macro photography, and why it feels like my therapy, my meditation.  It's what keeps me going through these long winters.

pinwheel

Pinwheels are a strange and mesmerizing toy.  I loved them as a kid, and would always take them apart and put them back together again to see how they worked.  I had Amelia hold a pinwheel in this photo because it's one of those classic childhood symbols.  really like the way the last little bit of light of the day is caught in her curly red hair and sweet freckly face.

dress up photo shoot in the garden

Here are a couple shots that were warm-ups to the staged photo from my last post on the new photo series I'm working on.  My adorable model is wearing my great great aunt's communion gown from 1916, and a crown of lavender and roses we made together, which smelled amazing.  We went out alongside my neighbor's house, where the tall foxglove bloomed and captured these images.  I think she looks like a little fairy.  So much fun!

Happy 4th of July!

park day (in the rain)

We dog sat on Monday and decided to take Scooter the Boston Terrier to Wright Park in Tacoma.  Wright Park is a beautiful place full of rolling grassy hills, a fun new playground and spray park, botanical conservatory (admission charged) and plenty of good food (coffee, burgers, froyo) within walking distance.  Next to Point Defiance, I'd say this is my favorite T-Town park to spend an afternoon.

In was a nice warm afternoon when we started at the playground, but started raining hard and we decided to dash/meander from shelter to shelter under each towering green tree all the way back to the car.  The squirrels found it very exciting to watch.

The rain let up and the afternoon finished with a bowl of frozen yogurt (serves mostly as candy topping delivery) at Gibson's across the street.  It was then that the sun made it's reappearance, in typical Northwest fashion.  :)

Staying true to oneself - simplifying life by identifying passions

Photo courtesy of S. Holland Smith

I have three favorite things in life, aside from my beautiful family - travel, art, and food.  Pretty much everything in my life revolves around these three things.  Today as I reflected on what I love most in life, where I've been, my accomplishments, my skills and abilities, I realized that everything I do in life is motivated by these three loves more than anything.

I've tried a million jobs, but the only ones that make me happy generally don't pay very well, and they involve using my creativity.  I cobble together work so I can afford to travel instead of buying nice clothes or furnishings.  I spend way too much on fancy groceries.  Honey goat cheese from Trader Joe's is amazing, by the way, especially with a nice fruity red.

Nothing is more of a soul-killer than worrying.  But I need to ground myself in reality, right?  How can I dream and plan and live out my bliss-filled future with all these worries?  Can other creatives relate?

Suggestions welcome.  Sort of.

For me, I have never been able to get too comfortable in one place. I start to worry and then I get depressed.  I fear the comfort will end, the money will run out.  I'm wracked with guilt about the fact that instead of enjoying all of life's blessings, I'm worrying that there might be something better I'm missing out on.  The fear creeps in.  I beat myself up for wanting more, wanting change, wanting to roam and pursue my loves.  Can I be a good mom if I bring my kids on the road?  Can I make art and enjoy cooking/eating/savoring if we're constantly traveling (won't I be tired?)?  Am I selfish?  What if it turns out to be the worst mistake I ever made?

I learned a hard lesson this year about staying true to myself.  I'm not willing to give up on myself or my dreams just yet.  I feel like the road is becoming clearer.

In my dreams, I am an achiever, an explorer.  My American Dream is engaging in opportunities that I create to better myself and enrich my life, even though it can be really hard work and at times seem really self-indulgent (and the pay is crap).  My dream is to do all this and still love myself for it.

I need to listen to my heart.  No more auto-pilot-survival-mode, no more "supposed to's" in life, just pursuing the fulfillment that comes from seeking new experiences that ignite my passions.  I want to teach this to my children and show them that enjoying life can be simple if you're brave enough to go after it.

light in unexpected places

Today I watched a CreativeLive workshop with Brooke Shaden.  She's incredibly inspiring and is offering participants a glimpse of into her world behind the camera as a visual story teller, instilling the gifts of creative license and freedom of expression above all else.

For months, my creative soul has felt cracked and dry as the desert, devoid of inspiration and flow.  But today it rained.  It poured.  My notepad is full of ideas, adjectives, stories.  With camera in my hands, I am full of new potential.

I photographed clouds.

I threw out the should's and doubts and excuses and reconnected with my inner beast - an animal of impulse, aroused from too long of a slumber.  She's hungry.